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A Christmas Tale written By Johnnie Oakes

CHRISTMAS AT MY HOUSE

Most people have heard those sweet words of "Dixie" In Dixie Land where I was born early on a frosty Morn.

Oh sure it is a lovely song, one of my favorites.

However I was born in Memphis Tennessee.

We later moved way down South to Dixie.

 On Christmas morning my house does not wake to the sounds of sleigh bells, or snow plows nor to the sweet sound of a haunting Christmas carol.

My house is not set to the perfect picture post card.

In the deep South we have a reality check.

I'm not saying that I'm Ms. Scrooge.

I always hang the Christmas cards on the wall incase the sender drops by.

Kinda like breaking out the Bible when the preacher drives up.

I do love Christmas as much as anyone does.

I wake to the sound of the air conditioner trying in vain to cool the house from all the cooking I've done all week.

I wake with a start, but it is not the sound of Santa on the roof with his tiny elves and reindeer.

I do bolt out of bed, remembering that I have forgotten to get a gift for that person who may or may not get me one.

Yes, I do the dashing thing but it is dashing into the living room trying to find a place open to get a few "just in case gifts".

After calling everyone in the area only to find they are closed for Christmas, "WELL OF ALL THE NERVE!!"

So I have to choice to make, I can go to the curb store and buy some Slim Jims & Beef Jerky, or wrap up something from my own house.

I choose to wrap up something from my house.

You must be very careful on this choice.

It's best to put a tag on gifts each year so you don't give the sender their gift back.

If its a female no problem, you can always find an extra pair of panty hose from your collection that you have received over the years.

I had to go with the Slim Jims, Beef Jerky thing for males, they are easy to please(YEAH RIGHT!!).

So you wrap up those thoughtful gifts, place them under the golden brown tree.

You dare not turn on the lights, that would require a 911 call to the fire department.

No more putting up the tree Thanksgiving Day!!

Now for the dinner part (dinner is the noon meal in the South, not the one you eat at night. This is called Supper.)

You have to finish cooking with one hand, the other is covered with a huge bandage from the night before.

Guess that pot had not cooled off enough.

As you cook you look on the bright side, maybe someone will do the dishes if you complain about your hand long enough(YEAH RIGHT FOR SURE!!).

From the other room your hear your better half using choice words something about "trying to put the piece in the middle of the table so we can all fit"

Of course the kids will sit at the card table.

The card table always doubles as the Kids Table on these family get togethers.

Now you are sitting at the table looking at the people there, some are family others you have not a clue as to who they are.

Today would have been a good day to sit at the kids Table.

Then the talking part starts, anyone who leaves the table becomes the topic of conversation.

So you sit there with your bladder about to explode.

You watch as these people devour the food in less than an hour,it had taken you several days to prepare.

Now we exchange gifts.

As you open the seventh pair of panty hose, you mumble something about, this is great,you can never have enough panty hose.

It is evening now, the golden brown tree out by the curb.

You gaze at your better half eating beef jerky and watching TV.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOURS.

©copyright ~Johnnie Oakes ~

6/09/03